AN OPEN HEART
Most important for success, do you have an open heart? Are you able to give love? Are you willing to accept being pushed away when you are trying to offer love? Are you willing to love a child who at times seems to be supremely unlovable? In extreme cases, are you willing to hear the words, “I hate you!” and continue to love the child? Are you willing to wait for years before your investment in loving is appreciated? My foster mother told me it took a year before I would accept her hugs and two years before I would hug her. Among her friends she spoke of me as “My little ramrod.” But she won me over with her love.
KNOWLEDGE
In my experience knowledge is the second most important requirement for successful fostering and adoption. Are you willing to inform yourself, to attend classes and seminars and read the literature on foster care and adoption, on abused and neglected children? My foster mother was an elementary school teacher with work in child psychology. She told me years later that she needed everything she had ever learned to help me.
THIS IS MY CHILD
Will you be prepared to speak and act as mother (or father) of the child or children from the moment they enter your home? I and my three siblings had met the Luchs only once before we arrived at their residence two weeks later. Our new foster mother kneeled down, put her arms around the four of us, and her first words were, “Mother is so happy you are here.” A cousin was present and described that scene years later. “It was as if in that instant she suddenly became your mother. I’m sure the way she repeatedly spoke of herself as mother that afternoon and forever after made it easier for the four of you to begin to accept her as your mother.”
ORDER IN THE HOUSE
Are you willing to establish schedules and programs and keep to them? The Luchs believed in the importance of predictable schedules and programs as one means of restoring our physical health and fostering our emotional security. Meal times, bed times, daily bath times, piano practice sessions, and when not in school, nap times, were fixed. There were few exceptions.
ARE YOU WILLING TO INSIST THE CHILDREN CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOUSEHOLD?
We participated in household chores from the beginning. Every four days was our day. On that day we were responsible for setting and clearing the table for the evening meal and, assisted by an adult, doing the evening dishes. We made our own beds daily and picked up our rooms. We took part in lawn care and major cleaning projects, usually family affairs on Saturdays. As we grew up, more was expected of us. The boys maintained a coal burning furnace and were primarily responsible for the cultivation of a rather large vegetable garden.
BOUNDRIES AND POWER STRUGGLES
Are you willing to establish and insist on the observance of firm boundaries and limits? Your foster children will test you again and again. You will need to choose your power struggles carefully because you cannot afford to lose them. You and your spouse must win. I remember one such struggle during which I was sent to bed from the family table without supper. I resolved to fast, drinking only water, and imagined the Luchs would soon be their knees begging me to return to the family table. They won. I returned 24 hours later on my own.
SAVE TIME AND ENERGY FOR YOURSELVES
It was relatively easy for my adoptive parents to save time and energy for themselves because we were all in school (the two youngest for mornings only) within days of our arrival. They spent their mornings together, often collaborating on writing projects.
Because our adoptive father had had TB as a young man and then suffered from undulant fever contracted in the Middle East, the Luchs took daily naps. When we were not in school, we were also required to rest quietly during the early afternoon. I think that rest period was good for our health and know that it nourished my love of reading and learning.
REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Are you willing to keep your expectations reasonable and flexible? The children may have talents you do not and you will likely have talents they do not. Do not expect them to fulfill your ambitions but do be alert to whatever gifts they have, and provide for the development of those gifts. When a school music teacher pointed out that the four of us had musical talent our adoptive parents did not, our parents immediately arranged for the four of us to begin piano lessons and tolerated the daily cacophony of forty fingers fumbling through “Teaching Little Fingers to Play.” That early music training has so enriched our adult lives!
COMMUNITY COMMENT
Are you willing to put up with gossip in the community? Some in our small town thought the Luchs could not afford to adopt four children and some were sure the adoption would not work. A few even feared we might murder the Luchs in their sleep.
SOME OTHER CONSIDERATONS:
1. Are you able to listen to a child, to learn from and pay attention to a child? Each child is unique, which means that parenting yours will require careful listening and the tailoring of all programs to that child’s specific needs.
2. Except for your spouse, are you willing to say and to act as though the children are Number One in your life?
3. Are you willing to make no promises to the children you can not keep? Abused and neglected children have heard too many false promises, which is a major reason they have difficulty trusting adults.
4. Can you identify and reach out for sources of support? You may wish to begin working with a professional counselor before the children arrive. My mother found support among her teacher colleagues.
5. Are you and your spouse willing to resolve your differences in a mature manner and especially to avoid raising your voices in argument in the presence of the children?
THE BIG EIGHT FOR SUCCESSFUL FOSTERING AND ADOPTION
In my experience the BIG EIGHT personal qualities for successful fostering and adoption are: compassion, empathy, commitment, and perseverance; a sense of humor, knowledge, common sense and wisdom. That’s asking a lot but if you have most of what it takes and are prepared for the challenge, healing a wounded child is one of life’s greatest adventures and most rewarding experiences.
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